


Detroit: Become Stupid

by Mmilkwalker



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: DBH, F/F, F/M, Hijinks, M/M, Parody, Serious crackfic, detroit become human - Freeform, lol i can english, not real okay guys, parody self insert, this is like the result of a stupid convo i had with my buds, will add more tags as progression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-12 23:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18456407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mmilkwalker/pseuds/Mmilkwalker
Summary: Rk 900 mysteriously disappears and Gavin is stuck with a new piece of shit android partner. Now he's got to solve cases and uncover what exactly happened to his dear plastic friend with a person who has the hearing of his grandmother and the eyes of an eagle on Adderall.(This is like kind of a crackfic so don't take it seriously. Read if you want a little chuckle :) )





	Detroit: Become Stupid

Despite his previous attitudes, Gavin Reed didn’t mind androids. There was a time in his youth when he had convinced himself that the only way to live was by belittling them, but those days were long gone. He had flushed them away in the metaphorical toilet of his mind after seeing the thiccest android in existence, RK 900. And in his defence, back then he had felt threatened, seeing as they were ten times cooler than he was and slowly becoming sentient. Fortunately, with the passing of the android rebellion and President Warren’s decision to give them individual rights, Gavin had opened up to the possibility of working in harmony with the beings and had since then become acquainted with these robots in more ways than one, finding the experience to be quite pleasant. If it had been 2038, he would not so readily agree to a rim job from a sentient iPhone. But now? Let’s just say he was a little less reluctant, dare I say even anticipatory.

It’s just one android in particular that he could not stand. 

So as Connor strolled into work that morning with Hank trailing behind him, he found himself digging his fingernails into any object he could get his hands on just to prevent the urge to punch someone’s teeth out. God, he hated that perfect asshole. Walking around the fucking precinct with that stupid little coin of his. And, yeah sure, Gavin had confirmed that his penis was significantly larger, but that bastard had immensely bigger dick energy.

“Gavin?” came a voice.

He locked eyes with Tina Chen, her face concerned.

“I, uh, got you coffee,” she set a paper cup down “You, uh, didn’t show up this morning, so…”

He stared at her for a good fifteen seconds before fully processing what she said, and only being able to make an unintelligible squeak in response. 

“Are you O-”

“CHEEzits! I mean, yeah. I was… preoccupied! Won’t happen again,” he managed.

She fixed him with a confused and uncomfortable look and slowly set the cup down.

“Cool, just making sure if you’re coming next time. Cause I was really hoping we could get to talk about somethi-” Tina went on but stopped herself short when she realized Gavin was no longer paying attention. She sighed. Would he ever look at her with the same intensity that he did Connor? The reality made her heart heavy. Nevermind, she’d try some other day. The woman wandered back to her desk, longing in her heart like she was in some quirky Rom-Com.

Gavin, meanwhile, had absolved himself to glaring daggers into Connor’s back. If it were not punishable by suspension, he would have thrown hands with that dick long ago. Well, he had. And had subsequently been suspended. So he did throw hands long ago. Whatever, the point is, he would rather drag his pee pee through glass than even consider sharing a water bottle with Connor. Good thing androids didn’t drink.

“Stupid plastic prick,” he muttered.

“Hey!” called out Chris from the other side of the room, “That’s racist!”

Gavin rose out of his seat slightly to lock eyes with the man, confused. Chris Miller was seated at his desk across from a young person, obviously in the midst of questioning.

“Fck you!” Gavin apologized.

Chris narrowed his eyes at Gavin but returned to the witness. How had he even heard that? The dude had supersonic ears or something. Gavin sighed and leaned back into his chair, grabbing the coffee off of his desk and putting it to his mouth. He was getting tired of waiting for his partner to get here. Where was that guy anyway? Gavin pushed out of his chair, intending to grab a donut from the break room, and took a sip of his coffee.

The drink immediately spilled out of his mouth, and onto the linoleum floor. 

“This… is just sparkling water,” 

How was this shit even legal anymore? It was just angry water! Why had Tina given this to him? What was going on? Was he disassociating? Probably! What time was it? His eyes travelled to the floor where the puddle of water now sat. It fizzed at him angrily, and he fizzed back.

“Detective Reed, why are you hissing at that puddle?” 

Gavin glared up at the one person he didn’t want to see today. 

“Shut your m-” he began, before noticing Chris’ glare from over Connor’s shoulder, “S-Shut the front door, Connor! I-is that a new… tie?”

Chris sent him an approving glance as he turned away. Gavin had been trying to change, really. It just wasn’t that easy. 

“Actually,” Connor replied, “It is. I’m glad you noticed.” the android sent him a polite smile. 

Gavin, for the first time, glanced at his co-worker’s tie and was immediately displeased. It seemed to be covered with little hairless cats and complimented by a neon orange background. Needless to say, Gavin threw up a little in his mouth. Why were they posed so sensually? He didn’t know what alarmed him the most.

“Reed!” Gavin turned to face Fowler, leaning against the glass door of his office, “Stop, sucking up to the microwave and get in my office!”

“Also racist!” commented Chris.

Fowler sent Chris a withering gaze and gestured for Gavin to follow him. 

Gavin wasn’t sure if his boss was angry, pleased or aroused. It was impossible to tell. He always seemed to be grumpy, but Gavin had once questioned it and had come back empty-handed and fearful for his life. There was so much confusion and so few answers, that he had taken to creating his own theories about the elusive figure. Including but not limited to him being a stripper for a private nightclub that was animal themed and/or secretly writing My Little Pony fanfiction. 

Gavin sighed at Fowler’s back as he disappeared into his office. Hank had wandered over (half drunk) to see what the commotion was about and was smirking triumphantly.

“Looks like Reed’s finally getting laid off,” he commented from beside Connor. 

“Fck you.”

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“Step inside my office, Gavin,” welcomed Fowler.

“I’m… already in your office,”

“Semantics,” he waved him off.

The egg-shaped man settled into his chair, slipping his glasses on. He squirmed for a bit, attempting to find the most comfortable seating position and succeeding. His eyes focused on his computer screen, and Gavin wondered if he was secretly laughing at something out of sight. Was he going to say something?

 

“Fowler? I don’t have all day,” Gavin tested, craning his body to throw his coffee away.

“Sorry, just laughing at your sad excuse of a career,” the older man delivered dramatically.

Gavin’s soul left his body just as the sparkling water left his hand and fell into the trash. Fowler took off his glasses theatrically and gave Gavin a piercing look. The young detective was shocked silent. Sometimes it be like that.

“As you know,” his boss began, gesturing vaguely, “your partner as of late has been the android RK900, or as some call him; Ernest.”

“People call him Ernest?”

“Shut up. As I was saying, you two were partners.”

Gavin nodded submissively.

Fowler went on, “Due to some recent... discoveries,” he put a strange emphasis on discoveries, “We’ve had to transfer him to a different precinct.”

Gavin furrowed his eyebrows. This was a prank, right? He laughed.

“Nice one. You really got me there.” 

He was met with a blank look. 

“... I think?” he unsuccessfully saved.

“You’re a dumbass. Just meet your new fucking partner,” Fowler spat, gesturing to Gavin’s right. 

Gavin turned and was met with a figure he was surprised he hadn’t seen before. She was smack dab in the middle of the room. Maybe he was going blind? Was he developing cataracts? He wasn’t that old, right? Right?

The woman in question was currently examining her hands, seemingly trying to pick at the dirt under her fingernails. Gavin glanced back at Fowler like a teenager asking for confirmation from his dad. Fowler gave him a pointed look that seemed to say ‘introduce yourself’. He glanced back at her. At least she was human. 

“Uh,” Gavin started, “h-hey.” 

His voice cracked like he was a straight boy going through puberty in an all-girls school. She hadn’t seemed to notice though. Maybe he had talked too quietly?

“Hello?” he tried again.

Nothing. He turned to Fowler, but he was already moving on. Gavin sighed and shuffled over to his new partner.

“Excuse me?” He half-yelled. 

At long last, she seemed to have heard Gavin and jerked her head towards him, flustered. 

“Ah uh, sorry!” she apologized, gesturing towards her ear, “My audio processors aren’t the greatest.”

Audio processors? Gavin gazed at the woman’s LED and model number printed across the collar of her leather jacket.

RK 500. Another android. 

Fowler glanced up at them as if completely forgetting that he’d invited them in. 

“Get the hell out of my office, you miserable fucks,” he instructed. 

Gavin did so immediately and RK 500 trailed behind him as they stepped out into the anticipating environment of the precinct. All eyes, seemingly at once, turned to face them. 

And, in her decidedly obnoxiously accented voice, RK 500 spoke, patting her pockets, “Fuck I left my froot lööps in there,”

Gavin just about died. 

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Gavin Reed; with his heavy heart and limp dick, slouched into his chair, waiting to be assigned to a case. He started dejectedly into his computer screen, remembering much simpler times. When he could insult androids on the daily and no one gave a shit. 

Perhaps he had changed for the better, some would say. If he was being honest, getting beat up by Connor had somewhat humbled him, mellowed him out. And now that he knew his job wouldn’t be getting yoinked out from under him anytime soon, he had decided to stop being such a shithead. Except to Hank. Fuck that guy. 

Gavin glumly glanced up at the woman waiting in front of him. Her eyes swept the precinct curiously, one eye twitching periodically. Androids were pretty efficient, so he could understand why one was assigned to him. He hadn’t got on too bad with RK900 either. This would be fine. He took a deep breath and slipped out of his chair. 

“Gavin Reed,” he introduced tentatively, “do you have a human name you go by?”

She sized him up and grinned. 

“Well, uh, Elijah called me Sarisha,” she offered “whatever’s fine.”

Gavin nodded. That was a really obscure name. Seems like something a self-insert fanfiction would name the main character. He briefly remembered a time where he read such works, but without hesitation, violently removed the sentiment from his thoughts. The past was not something he wanted to dwell on. The cardboard box in the back of his closet filled to the brim with Minecraft T-shirts was proof enough. 

“Nice to meet you,” Gavin tried, “I guess.”

She beamed at him, “Thank you for the warm welcome. I gotta say that after such a long time out of commission, I’m excited to get back to it.”

Gavin nodded and slipped back into his seat, gesturing to the desk in front of him. He’d let her take a look around and then get on to a case. Hopefully. Ever since the ‘Connor Incident’ Fowler had stuck him with the boring cases; Robbery, Pickpocketing, Muggings. Whatever; he didn’t care. The less work for him, right? He slouched in his chair and picked up his phone. He glanced back at his new partner, who was now opening drawers curiously. RK 500, huh? Did that mean she predated Connor? She seemed a little buggy, with her supposedly damaged audio processors and quirks of speech. She was drastically different from the other android at this precinct. Back slouched, gait casual. It was disarming yet somehow it put him on edge. 

Wait, maybe Fowler was screwing with him.

Was she just a human in a costume? She hardly acted android like. Fowler would totally do this fuck with him. Or would he? Another observation to the psychological profile. That being said, it was in his best interest to not get made fun of because he couldn't distinguish between a human and an android (It was getting harder and harder these days--much like him). Well, maybe if he prodded a bit something would come up. 

“Hey,” Gavin called over the barrier, “What’s with your accent. Is that like Long Island or New Jersey or something?”

She looked up at him. 

“Oh well, It’s the accent I was set up with.” she shut a drawer and turned her attention to the monitor, “I was created at the time we tested accents in androids for integration within society, the only problem was they couldn’t change it back.”

“I see,” Gavin didn’t. 

Satisfied, she pressed her palm to the reader at the base of the device, beginning to download case information. 

“So you’re… what, a prototype?” Gavin started again. Maybe he was being too invasive? She didn’t seem to mind. 

“Yeah,” came the reply, she was now done downloading case information and fixed her entire attention on him, “I was the 5th version of android detective partner models thingys.”

Gavin hummed, “Cool…”

The atmosphere grew awkward and they both simultaneously looked away. Great job, Gavin, you sure are one smooth dude. He coughed and cleared his throat.

“Reed! A case for you!” came the familiar voice of Miller. 

Gavin jumped up at once and practically leaped over to where his co-worker stood with a tablet in hand, snatching it from his hand.  
"Let’s get going, people!” he boomed rather uncharacteristically. 

“Yes, let’s,” RK 500 added quickly. She stood from her chair and made her way towards him, only to crash in a pile of limbs just before she could reach.

"It seems," she remarked, peeling herself off the ground, "That I've slipped on some angry water." 

Gavin sighed. This was shaping up to be a long day.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you liked, what you didn't. tear me limb to limb in the comments. It's up to you. :)


End file.
